When I was in college, I lost my watch. Prior to losing it, I looked at it a lot. I checked it to be sure I wasn’t late to class. I consulted it to see when my work shifts would start, or end. Often I looked at it while waiting for friends who were supposed to meet me at such and such a time, and then letting them know they were late. I spent a lot of time seeing what time it was and judging anything and anyone who wasn’t on time by my watch. Then I lost it.
And for a time, I thought I might lose my mind along with it! What was I going to do without a watch to keep me on track? How would everyone around me, who was much less concerned with timeliness, it seemed, get where they needed to go when they needed to go there?
My obsession was a bit of a prickly point between myself and those less-than-timely friends, as you might imagine. So, after some deep breaths, some tears (yes, I cried over losing a watch), and a pep talk from my roommate I decided to go watchless until Christmas. It was probably this time of year when it fell of my wrist or was whisked away by fairies. I agreed that I could probably manage for a month or so without a timepiece on my wrist. My college years were before the days of everyone having cell phones, but there were clocks on the wall in every classroom. I gave it a shot…
…and I never put on a watch again.
I let it go. I let my obsession with everyone and everything running according to my time…go. The friends who were always late were still always late. I still liked them. I was still almost always on time. They still liked me.
One of the lessons I learned from losing my watch is that even when I think I have control, I don’t. Another lesson? I don’t need control all the time.
Say what?!
If you’ve been keeping up with my last few posts, you might have sensed my eagerness to move past the verge I feel I’m on. I’ve been pretty hungry to find out what’s next in my story. How do I do it? Where do I jump?
A few days ago I started to research a possible direction, maybe an answer to all my questions. The same day, though, I also felt very clearly, that I didn’t need to search so hard for answers. I noticed that I was looking for things to happen on my watch. In doing so I was trying to force a direction to turn, when maybe I’m not meant to do anything more than learn, grow, research, love, and live right now. Maybe I’m simply meant to be.
I mean, I have the tattoo, right?
One of the neon signs that flashed in my face to bring me to this realization was in a book I’m reading. See, I’ve been trying to figure out, through all this personal growth, how to be profitable in doing what I do – helping others, feeling fulfilled, living my best life. I don’t even want to make millions, although getting paid to be me would be lovely. But I do hope to find that niche that I can sit in and breathe in and be in, all while giving to others.
So, in searching for what that niche might be, I’m reading a book called Discover the Gift: It’s Why We’re Here, by Shajen Joy Aziz and Demian Lichtenstein. I’m about halfway through it and really love what I’m reading. I recommend it. A lot of it speaks to me, but the neon sign I’m referring to right now is this passage, a quote by Barbara De Angeles, Ph.D.:
A lot of us discount what we have to offer because we can’t see how it’s going to make us money, or it’s not going to make us famous, or we’re not going to get invited to be on Oprah. So we believe we are not making a difference. But making a difference is really about the way you show up in the world every day. In fact, know it or not, like it or not, you’re already making a difference just by your presence. It may be a good difference or a bad difference, a large difference or a small difference, but you had an effect on everyone who saw you, felt you, or heard you today. So the question is not whether you can make a difference, but what kind of a difference you are making?
See? SEE??? I’m already making a difference. I’m already giving, helping, sharing my gifts and talent, whatever they may be. I still may find the right time and place to jump into something more defined and clear than, “Do you, boo,” but for now…I’m going to let it be. I’m letting go the desire to control everything about this journey. I’m sitting in the adventure, breathing in the anticipation and excitement. I’m not checking my watch or even looking at a clock on a wall or a calendar or a sun dial. I’m letting time pass as it does and listening to the Universe tell me what, when, where, and how. I’m putting in the effort and researching options, being proactive. Most importantly, though, I’m simply being. I’m letting go and simply living, growing, learning, being.
Sips of Stillness 