On The Verge

For almost a year now I’ve felt like a coiled spring.  I feel like I’m going to pounce.  I’m excited about some future thing, realization, job, something.  I’m giddy over the possibilities but have no flipping clue what I’m on the verge of!

I’ve asked friends and they’re all excited for me too.  They can’t wait to see how all my internal growth translates into something external.  Something that’s very likely to reach out to others, because let’s me honest – helping is at the heart of me.  I’ve tried on different labels and titles.  I don’t know.  I simply don’t know what I’m on the verge of!

In my last post, I thought maybe I was very close to realizing that that thing is.  I’m not sure now.  Exploring that possibility has lead to even more insight and growth, but I don’t know if that’s the right path for me or more the right path than some others or one I haven’t thought of yet!

As I’m typing this I can’t help but to think of a Say Yes to the Dress episode where the bride couldn’t commit to a dress.  She was afraid she was missing one that was even more perfect that she hadn’t found yet.  Randy encouraged her to stop looking and recognize how beautifully the one she loved right now was, how perfect it would be.  Maybe I’m supposed to do that.  Maybe not.  Sometimes I’m pretty sure I find meaning in things where there is no meaning.  Or maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit.  Who knows!

Anyway, a week or so ago I had a great conversation where a new friend told me, “Once you decide your path, the only obstacles in your way will be the ones you put there.”  Is not deciding an obstacle I’m putting in my own way?  Or do I really not have a clear path yet?

It would be great if you could tell me.  Yeah, you.  Whomever is reading this.  Sometimes I love having choices and trying on all the clothes until I find the one that’s the most comfortable.  Other times I really just wish someone would say, “This is what you’re wearing today.”  Or, in this case, I’d love to go before a priestess or shaman.  I’d love to spend the week walking along streams, weaving rugs, meditating in the sunshine, and dancing around a fire.  And I’d love for some holy person to look into my soul and bless me with the thing, the thing I’m on the verge of.

In lieu of that, though, I think I’ll just keep growing and enjoying the anticipatory adrenaline that exists on the verge!

Yesterday I once again described myself as ‘on the verge of something amazing’ as part of my introduction into a new forum that I think may hold a nugget of truth I need in my life.  The woman who began the forum responded, “On the verge of something amazing is my favorite locations…to dive from!”  After my initial excitement over her use of the dot, dot, dot (my favorite!) and the fact that she replied directly to me, I sat back and thought, “WHERE?”  I don’t know where to jump.  I don’t know what to pursue.  I don’t know what label to paint on a shingle and hang on my life.  I don’t know how to best help others.

I do know, though, that I’ll figure it out.  I didn’t realize one could be on the verge for quite this long.  I didn’t know anticipation could fill me with school-girl-style joy so often.  I know I had so much personal growth to tackle!  Yet here we are.  I’m still waiting to for the right time to spring, the right thing to jump into, the best way to apply all I’ve learned and who I am to help others.

Here I am, still on the verge.

(Not actually me, but a beautiful stock photo that represents me.)