It turns out that I’m a big talker. I typed up this little ditty the other day about having to make choices in life. I sat behind my keyboard and told you all how that finding contentment in life might just have something to do with knowing where we are in life, making the choices (sometimes hard choices) to change when we need to, and embracing the choices we’ve made. Yup. That happened.
Then I talked with a friend about how I’m still in a bit of denial about some rather large upcoming changes happening in my life. Last night I lectured myself about practicing what I preach and laughed this morning about how none of this is easy – making the choices, embracing the choices – not always easy.
That’s right – knowing where I am in my life can be difficult in itself. But it’s a challenge I get excited about! I enjoy trying to understand my emotions, my needs, what makes the people I love tick. I like to think and consider and sigh. I feel accomplished when I recognize growth in myself. I find success in being able to say, “That chapter is complete. Time to turn the page and see what’s next.” Sometimes that growth and learning about myself is a struggle or unsettling, but I like it. I like it right up until I go to turn that page.
Making the choice that’s best for me or mine – now that’s not only not easy, but also sometimes something I don’t look forward to. I often get cold feet or feel not ready. I try telling myself that maybe I was wrong. Maybe the last chapter needs some more written in it. Maybe I can put off change. Maybe…maybe…possibly…but even if I did, it’s not what’s best for me and my family at this time in our lives.
That’s where we are now. My husband is retiring from the Navy, after two decades of this life, and we’re moving back to live closer to our family. To some that might seem the obvious route. To others, a move they’d never see coming. To me…it feels right. That’s what I can say about it. It was a decision that we did not come to lightly. When we’ve moved before it was because they Navy said we had to. Therefore, when I left loved ones behind I could blame it on the Navy. This time, though, I am making this choice. I am going to drive away from a state I like, people I love, a job I enjoy…because it’s the right choice for our family. …because it is what we want. …because it’s where we are in our life.
Knowing it in my brain and knowing it in my heart and knowing it, knowing it – like being ready and able to do it – that’s difficult. That’s where I’m stuck. At least this week.
Last week I was embracing the heck out of our decision. Next week I might be again. Who knows. In the months remaining until we actually move I’ll probably be all over the place, but in the end, we’ll make the move and I’ll make the most of it, because…well, because we’ve figured out where we are in life and chosen this path as the best for our family. Embracing it and following through is the next step.
Just because something is right or chosen or decided upon, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. That’s what I’m trying to get at. That’s the bottom line. I know that this is the right decision. I even get excited about it from time to time. The kids are thrilled at the chance to see their grandparents and cousins more than once every couple of years. So am I! That doesn’t make it easy though.
I just don’t want any of you thinking I’m fabulous at this life thing. I mean I do okay most days, but other days I’m just hanging on by a thread. Some days I stand tall and proud that I’ll be able to sit at the table I grew up at listening to the stories of my grandparents and aunts and uncles once again. I beam at the idea of sitting at the same table with my children sharing new stories. Other days I feel like napping all day. That’s life, folks. And it ain’t always easy.