I promise you that I cannot make this stuff up.
Me (following a slow car and teaching the children the art of whining about how others drive): I wish this car would go the speed limit. I really dislike going slow when I can go fast.
Tyler: You know what would be really cool? If someone invented a portal so we could get to the Y really fast!
Me: Should I put that in their comment box? “You could really use a portal so that we could get to and from the Y more efficiently.”
Tyler (pretty sure he shrugged while saying this, I think I could hear it from the back seat): That would be more convenient.
Jace: You know what would be really convenient? A portal we could carry around with us that the other side was over the toilet. We’d never have to get up to go poop again!
Me: Really, a poop portal?
Jace: Yeah! Or…oooh…this is better. The other portal could just be at the septic and then we wouldn’t even have to stick our arms in the portal to flush the toilet.
Tyler: I think it would be cool if we followed this car all the way to the Y – not like we’re actually stalkers, but maybe they’d think we are and speed up!
Me: Well, that’s one option…
Jace (at a traffic circle where a car got between us for 1/3 of the go-round): Hurry up! You’re going to lose them! Or not. You know, you could drift your way out of these round-abouts. I know how to drift in Forza (a video game, I think). You just pull up on the e-brake. I can drift my RC car too.
Me: In all my years of driving, I’ve never had reason to drift my vehicle.
Gracie: You’ve been driving for 21 years!
Me: Wow! Really? Yeah, I guess that’s right. Wow!
Jace: That means that people who were born when you started driving are now old enough to legally drink and drive.
Me (literally put my hand in my head – good thing I was at a red light): Um…I hope not.
Jace: Ok, old enough to drink legally and have a designated driver.
Tyler: Don’t worry, Mama. You’re not old until you’re 60.
Gracie: I think 70 is old, not 60.
Jace: No, 50 is old!
Me: Let’s go with 70.
Tyler: Most people don’t make it to old, so I think 70 sounds good.
Jace: Maybe in the home you’ll live past old, Mama.
Tyler: Yeah, I hope you live way older than old.
Me: Awesome. Me too.